Alert: this is another gut-level post. You’ve been warned.

So, I’m watching New Moon whilst drinking a Vanilla Coke.  And the scene just went by where Bella says something to the effect of, “the pain is the only thing that makes him feel like he was real.”  Edward has, immediately previous to this scene left Forks (where Bella lives) and removed all evidence he was ever there in her life.

Sometimes that’s what I feel like.  I once had a friend…my best friend.  I wasn’t attracted to him, but I loved him.  I would’ve moved half-way across the country for him.  I’d take a bullet for him.

And now, I rarely hear from him.  It’s like he’s just gone.  I know things change and people move on…but he was the one I could trust with anything.  He was the one I was counting on to be there for the rest of my life.

If this sounds to you like he was a boyfriend…he wasn’t.  I don’t really have a category for what he was; we never crossed physical boundaries or even wanted to.

And now…it feels like he’s gone.  I don’t stalk him on Facebook…I’m not sure the last time I even looked at his page.  I don’t really care to.  I just want a return text every once in a while…or a phone call once ever two weeks.  I miss him.

I love him.

And the only thing I have to remind me of the friendship we had are some emails, most dated 3 years ago, a few pictures in frames in my bedroom…

…and the pain.  Sometimes it’s a dull sort of back-of-your-mind pain.  Sometimes, it feels like a knife being twisted.  I’ll let you figure out which it feels like right now.