And, where is here?

A friend sent me a link to this blog in a text thread we were having, quite out of the blue, just the other day, with a note that read something along the lines of, “What an archive!” And he’s right. What an archive. It’s also been quite a while since I’ve posted anything and part of that is because I’m not sure what I would say. So, I’m going to keep this pretty simple.

I’m still gay. I love Jesus. I love liturgy and music. And I’m really tired of supposedly straight guys telling me what I should or should not think about in my spare time in regards to men, especially since most of my precious few moments of spare time revolve around music, not men.

When I was at Central Presbyterian in Clayton, MO (a suburb of St. Louis), the interim senior pastor sexually harassed me. He did so by insisting that my attractions disqualified me from public ministry at HIS whim and discretion, without any actionable offense or incident on my part. I played by the rules of that denomination and instead of being allowed to do the thing I was hired to do, I was embarrassed and harassed. The toll it took on me emotionally and physically is incalculable.

So, instead of playing by those rules, I’m open to dating but I’m scared of dating apps…so I haven’t been on one yet. I’ve been on a date or two and am open to it but after nearly fifteen years of counseling, I don’t want to lose what little self-esteem I’ve acquired. I’m practically middle-aged (since doubling my age yields 88 and that sounds like a long, full life or close to it).

I have figured out that my background in evangelicalism messed me up in ways I’m still unpacking in therapy. I’m grateful for a therapist who I’ve been doing this work with for at least thirteen years. You may wonder why my blog title still says “Gay and Evangelical;” well, this is two-fold. First, I paid for the domain. Second, I still believe there’s a good-news to be declared and it’s quite apart from the nonsense of the Moral Majority and Chris-Tomlin-turncoats.

I don’t think God is ONLY love. God is love in the person and work of Jesus, revealed in Scripture. And it’s messy and gross and happens in time and space and stuff is real and nasty and beautiful and ugly.

But…I’m still here, despite posting less for a while. Covid messed me up. Maybe in some ways for the better, which I hate. It was really hard for me as an extrovert. It helped me begin to unmask a bit, though.

Long live the Christ.