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I wrote this short post back on Jan. 30th, but never posted it for some reason. Decided I’d post it now, mostly because I have been thinking again about things I haven’t taken the time to mourn. Today isn’t overcast…it’s sunny and chilly. And yet, I still feel down.
It’s truly amazing how much difference three days can make. Two days ago, it was sunny at 61 at 11 am. Yesterday, it was in the low 70s and overcast. Today, it’s snowing off and on and below freezing. I grew up here, so you’d think I’d be used to it. The adage is true: if you don’t like the weather in the midwest, wait five minutes: it’ll change.
The weather around here almost mirrors my emotional state. Having grown up Pentecostal, I tend to equate my emotional state with how God feels about me. I don’t know why that is, but that’s the way I feel my way through life. I know it’s incorrect…and I do what I can to fight against that.
Still…all the up-and-down wears me out.
I’d love it if this blog post turned into a wonderful reminder of the Gospel. But not all of the psalms do that and life is never (or rarely) that neat and tidy.
I haven’t really taken the time to grieve many things. I haven’t been angry about the things that I should be angry about. I haven’t prayed or loved or lamented properly through my life. Moreover, I have no idea how to begin. Knowing one needs to do something differently without knowing what to do differently is a very frustrating thing indeed.
Gay and Evangelical 
I recently got a job delivering freight over long distances (over 300 miles round-trip). Needless to say, I have a lot of time each day where I’m doing nothing but driving. out in the barren wilderness of Wyoming. No, I don’t have an iPod, and don’t make me laugh with the suggestion of listening to the radio.
What did I have? A whole lot of grief. And no idea what to do with it.
Now, I realize that this job (and the last one like it many years ago) were blessings. In the privacy of the truck cab, I ranted, I cursed, I questioned, I cried, I moaned, and basically got it all out before Him. I guess you could call it prayer, although there are few who pray like that. And although I didn’t have a plan of attack, it obviously helped. Over the last week, I’ve noticed that the ranting and raving has receded considerably. I have new direction, new energy, new conviction and, most of all, a new peace. For the first time, I am experiencing true joy in the midst of my troubles.
I know it’s hard with school, but maybe you need to find some time and just go off somewhere to rant and rave? You know He’s good for it. 😉