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A short, late-night musing.
I suppose a person who has as many friends (and even more acquaintances) as I do, this sort of thing is bound to happen. I maybe three or four friends right now who I will text and who won’t text back…or they text me, I ask them a question in return, and they won’t text back.
Or something along these lines.
Maybe to some people, it’s ok not to respond. And maybe these folks have legitimate reasons for not doing so in the moment…something is going on that they have to attend to, or they’re preoccupied so it’s amazing I heard from them to begin with.
But it seems to be a habit with some of them. (This isn’t a rant at all, interestingly enough.) However, I do know that it makes me feel any number of things, none of which are positive. These are guys I really love as friends and I want to feel loved in return, but when this happens, I feel slighted and hurt.
Second, only slightly related musing: I think I’m afraid a lot. I’m afraid of being alone to the point where I have to surround myself with people all of the time in order to not be gripped by fear. Only in rare circumstances with a good book does being by myself not freak me out completely. I’m afraid of my best friends abandoning me. I’m afraid friends won’t call me. I’m afraid that people I’ve bared my raw emotions to won’t call me when they come back to town.
Let’s call one of them Greg (since that’s not his name). I have no idea if he’s come back to town…and right now, I’m just tired of chasing people around. It’s not been a really back Christmas Break, but I’m still just tired. I want people to call me. Other people who are not Greg have called me, which I’m grateful for. But I want Greg to call…to be interested in hanging out.
Interestingly enough, there are at least 2 or 3 people who would fit this category. Again…maybe I expect too much. I really want Greg to want to spend time with me. I want to hear about his vacation. But I’m tired of always initiating. And I’m scared they won’t ever call.
Some raw stuff here, I guess.
Gay and Evangelical 
I have a couple Gregs in my life, too. I know what you’re saying.
Im with you on the texting thing…totally. drives me insane.
Thanks for your blog. And your musings. They so often describe exactly the way I feel or think about something. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.
jeff.
And I thought I was the only person who thought like this!?!?! Hah! You are my twin 🙂
Hi Dave!
Just came coincidentally across your wonderful site! Love it!
I have definitely experienced the same feelings. I think this happens even when you only have a couple of people you think are great friends. I am not trying to be judgemental, it is not my quest, but it seems–from the few words expressed in your article tonight–like your insecurities about these people not getting back come from the very same fear of being left out. It is something that you should seriously address for your own well-being! Not like it is easy, but it helps when we can be more objective and less emotional to not get insane! Hehe!
I also believe it is absolutely rude to ignore people’s text messages, especially when they are meant to be personal and direct. But, in general anyway, there is something about a great deal of people not appreciating true friendship, or at least not wanting to make an effort to forge a deeper level of friendship. I seriously believe it is a pity when these people we have around cannot see the value of an effort to get close like you seem to make.
I could not agree more with how it feels when there are no prompt replies–not like it is expected for people to live staring constantly at their phones, but it is nice to feel that these “friends” expect to hear from you and are glad to do so.
With all this, what I am trying to say is that in the end people are just people. And my experience has taught me that we need to learn to recognize those who are worth keeping close and to learn to be carefully selective once we are comfortable with our own selves!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is refreshing to see that there are guys as wonderfully sensitive as you in this world!
Hi Dave – I’m glad I wandered over today! (I’ve lurked in the past – I’m not good at consistently reading anything.)
I don’t text at all (disabled it, I’m so cheap!), but I think the point is the same re: calls or other kinds of friendship overtures.
I’m the opposite – which is not to say I’m not afraid, but I deal with the fear of being left out in the opposite way. I tend to isolate myself, I like time alone b/c no one had the opportunity to reject me if I was planning to be alone anyway; I’m terrified of throwing a party b/c what if no one came? Conclusion: don’t throw a party. I feel much safer if I’m being pursued by my friends than the other way around, but even when people invite me/call me/etc, my habit of isolation and the haunting, whispered, inner questions, “Do I really belong there? Should I really go? Do they really want me,” often guide me to say no or just not reply at all.
I realize as I’m writing this that this is why I’m so reluctant to participate on facebook – what if people don’t really care to read my status updates (I have a close friend who has been trying to reform my facebook-negligent ways for years now – which makes me feel a bit reassured that I’m wanted there, but not enough for me to really change yet).
I’m shy to share all this, but I feel like it’s important to let you know that the friends who are behaving in aloof ways might be scared too. It may very well be that they are allowing you to feel rejected b/c of their own fear of rejection. I’m not saying it’s not selfish, just pointing out that it may be the other side of the same coin.
And when I say pointing out… I guess I mean you’ve pointed out to me that it may be the other side of the same coin. But I thought I owed it to you to let you know about the conversation we’re having in my head, instead of just keeping it to myself.
I think people who deal with fear like I do unfairly benefit from having people who deal with it like you do (which is to say, you face it, and I don’t). So on behalf of those like me to those like you: sorry. I’ll try to do better. In the mean time, thank you for bearing the heavy-half of the burden of our friendship. It’s not fair, but I’m glad you do it anyway.
Ah, yes! I know these feelings well. Thank you for this, especially the portion about being alone.
Hey Dave.
I get what you’re saying – I’ve been there. And I strive not to be a non-texter-backer or a “Greg” – I hope people don’t view me in that light.
I’ve missed seeing new posts here for the past couple weeks. I hope everything is going okay.
I do have a question for you if you wouldn’t mind sending me an e-mail {growup318 [at] gmail [dot] com}. I’d really appreciate it. :]
Blessings,
Heather
I could have definitely written this post! The “Gregs” drive me crazy, but they’re still my crazy, inconsistent friends. I appreciate your honesty. I look forward to future posts.
Oh my word. Brosky. We are on the exact same wavelength with this! This is what I constantly feel, but haven’t known how to exactly explain it. And I just happened to come read your blog tonight – erm, early morning. I’m glad I did. I am praying for you bro. Pray for me as well.