Hope you enjoy it.
Though I Once Embraced the Darkness
08 Wednesday Jun 2011
Category Archives: Personal
Now what?
04 Saturday Jun 2011
Posted in Personal
Tags
My brother is married at 25. Just got married today. Best wedding ceremony I’ve ever heard or been to. Had a great time singing and, yes, even dancing.
But I am single. And it hurts right now. I even had to spend a great deal of effort keeping my eyes to myself. There were a few attractive guys at the reception and that’s always an interesting experience.
And I have a lot of anxiety about a wide variety of things at the moment.
What does the Gospel say about all of this?
The Joys of a Hug (or two)
03 Friday Jun 2011
Posted in Personal
Disclaimer: I don’t know about other strugglers’ personal space, and I’m certain that some folks are uncomfortable with hugs and physical touch. In writing this post, I’m simply conveying my own desires and how they help and hurt my own walk with Christ.
Last night, I went with some seminary folks to a brewery here in town where they serve $2 pitchers on Thursday nights. It’s becoming tradition to sit and talk about one’s week over a glass or two of beer and relax with friends. The conversation is always animated and a lot of fun.
Two guys who are friends but whom I haven’t seen in a while were there. We got caught up on each others’ lives and laughed a little, talked seriously a little. At the end of the night, the two of them hugged me goodbye. Reader, that may seem like a small gesture to you, but it isn’t insignificant to me.
Do Not Love the World?
26 Thursday May 2011
Tags
1 John, assurance of pardon, confession, homosexuality, loneliness, Paul, prayer, relationships, repentance, Scripture, theology
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world— the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
–1 John 2:15-17, ESV
And yet again, I’m struck by the way the Scriptures read me. They say things about me that I would never want anyone to know.
The desires of the flesh, desires of the eyes, and pride in possessions–these are my sins. Obviously, they aren’t my only sins. Still, they represent a large quantity of the presence of sin in my life. And with one mind, double-mindedly, I want those things and I want them removed. I find myself in the classical Pauline Dilema, a la Romans 7 all over again. That which I do not want to do, I do. That which I want to do, I do not.
I see things…and I want them. I see a nice set of furniture…an expensive turntable…a nicer car. By grace I’m learning to want Christ more.
I desire physical touch (even inappropriate touch) and sometimes it’s an idolatrous desire. Physical touch isn’t bad, nor do I think I have to somehow deprive myself of it for aesthetic reasons. Simply put, I crave it more than I want God’s design for me, which is chastity (since I’m single).
Creativity and Dissatisfaction
23 Monday May 2011
Tags
Just finished an arrangement of a hymn I wrote that will be introduced for corporate worship during the offertory next month. I never quite know what to make of what I create, least of all, this particular hymn.
I am, in my own estimation, a very frustrated lyricist. This particular hymn seems to be something which is an anomaly, since I’m actually pleased with the lyrics as they stand. I may add a verse to what I currently have at some point, but beyond that I like what I’ve written. I wrote the first three verses while my pastor preached out of Psalm 1 and wrote the final verse while sitting beside a lake later that afternoon. I’m glad I live in an age of podcasts so I could go back and listen to what the pastor actually said. 😉
End of the Semester Thoughts
17 Tuesday May 2011
My second semester of seminary is now complete. Not entirely sure what my final grades are, but they are expected to be As and Bs. I’m more concerned with an estimation of my capability of being able to engage material meaningfully (of which a grade is part) than simply the grade for its own sake.
I seem to have lost a friend. This friend says I didn’t do anything to him to cause him to not want to hang out with me, but I’m at a loss as to why he felt the need to say anything at all if his revulsion to my public declarations about problematic theology-pushers is not tied to my friendship with him. At this point, I doubt very much that I will ever see him again. I grieve that…I thought he was a good friend. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if that was actually the case.
On the other hand, I’ve gained a great deal of excellent friends at seminary. One of them told me recently that he’d fight for me in any way that he could, through defending me to others or to encouraging me personally. Another told me that even if I was attracted to him that he would want to walk with me through that and would want to maintain my friendship. Still another told me about how he feels so needy sometimes that no one would want to hang out with him if they knew. This last statement was shocking to me, in that I’ve suspected that about myself for quite some time. In all of these things relationships (and others I haven’t mentioned), I’ve seen God provide for my loneliness and well-being.
Perhaps I’ll continue some thoughts later, but I think it sufficient to say that I have grown in my love for the gospel over this past year. I love my seminary and both the students and faculty have helped me continue in the life of repentance that the gospel provides.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
30 Wednesday Mar 2011
Tags
Christians, fellowship, friendship, Gay Christians, homosexuality, Jesus, loneliness, Mark, relationships, repentance, sexuality, theology, witnessing
This article originally appeared here as a guest post for the GrowUp318 blog. Thanks to Heather for the encouragement and the privilege of writing a piece for her blog.
When the word homosexuality is mentioned in a Christian context, most of the responses one receives will be negative. Gays are usually talked about as “those sinners out there.” But not all who are gay are outside of the purview of the Church. (And by gay, I’m talking about all those who experience homosexual temptation, whether or not they routinely give in to those temptations.) This may not be self-evident to all who read this, so it should probably be said: gay people are among us. They serve on our committees, sing in our choirs, give us financial advice, teach our Sunday School classes, and play instruments in our services to lead us in worship.
Some of them are fully convinced that acting on their attractions would be the unforgiveable sin. Others are doing their best to keep their ‘baser desires’ in check so they won’t be invalidated for ministry. Others are off-the-radar simply because they’re between relationships, but would want a relationship with the same sex if the right one presented itself. So what is to be done with such a wide divide? And how should we as Bible-believing Christians respond?
And We’ll Understand It Better By and By
28 Monday Mar 2011
Tags
I was listening to “By and By” by Phil Zito’s band on the way home. (But of course, as the jazz nerd that I am, I was listening to a transfer that I made myself from the original 78 with my Crosley USB turntable.)
Almost the entire time the song was playing in my car, I cried. I’ve been fairly emotional for the past few days. I think it’s due largely to the overwhelming support I’ve had from guys I have class with.
In the course of a conversation I had the other night with two awesome friends, I disclosed that there are things I won’t even post here about myself…things that I suspect that if my closest friends knew, they would disown me…or at least keep their distance. In my mind, if I’m a window that my seminary brothers can look through to help minister to people who wrestle with homosexuality (or even those who fully embrace it), then that’s great.
Maybe even if they know me as someone who is lonely from time to time, then that’s a little more risky…but as long as I spread out my expectations of who I want to hang out with, people won’t tire of me and my seemingly endless loneliness. It might even get to the point where someone might offer me a hug, which of course means a lot, but isn’t something I readily ask for.
But when I stop being a window and start being someone who is real flesh-and-blood who crushes on people, finds them attractive…then what? Will people still love me?
Did God Create Me This Way?
23 Wednesday Mar 2011
6. Q: Did God create people so wicked and perverse?
A: No. God created them good and in His own image, that is, in true righteousness and holiness, so that they might truly know God their creator, love Him with all their heart and live with Him in eternal happiness for His praise and glory.
7. Q: Then where does this corrupt human nature come from?
A: From the fall and disobedience of our first parents, Adam and Eve, in Paradise. This fall has so poisoned our nature that we are born sinners–corrupt from conception on.
8. Q: But are we so corrupt that we are totally unable to do any good and inclined toward all evil?
A: Yes, unless we are born again, by the Spirit of God.
from the Heidelberg Catechism, Lord’s Day 3.
Encouragement
18 Friday Mar 2011
Tags
A good brother was giving me some input on a couple of different avenues I can take on my plans for ordination. He’s given me a great deal to think about, and for that, I’m very grateful. I don’t know much in the way of how these things work in the denomination(s) in which I now find myself, so I’m always interested in good advice from more seasoned seminarians.
Gay and Evangelical 
You must be logged in to post a comment.